The Beard of Destiny
Posted in The Biz on June 26th, 2006 by Phil Abatecola
Stumbling from the day of work that was behind me, I awoke to discover something most mysterious and powerful.
The Beard… of Destiny.
I’m sure most of you are scoffing at this very moment, at this very notion. Well scoff I say to you!
What am I getting at? Nothing… yet. But I’d like for you to take a look at the film industry around you and their great directors. What makes them great? Is it their unbending vision? Is it their education? Perhaps social standing and opportunity? Maybe it’s their ability to network and sell themselves as a commodity that allows them to rise above the rest.
I’m here to tell you that all of that is absolute hogwash. Whoever tells you that persistence pays off is a liar and a charlatan! I believe that there are two pirmary factors that propel mediocre directors to the heights of Hollywood gods.
- The first is whether or not they have a beard.
- The second is the number of syllables in their first and last names.
I believe that you can clearly establish a pattern, with some minor degree of error, who will rise and fall based on these two factors.
Max Cohen says: "One, Mathematics is the language of nature. Two, Everything around us can be represented and understood through numbers. Three: If you graph the numbers of any system, patterns emerge. Therefore, there are patterns everywhere in nature."
So, follow along, and you just might discover the pattern. The truth behind Hollywood greatness.
Just to clarify, you don't need both to achieve collossal success. Sometimes you'll have a name with too many syllables, but The Beard prevails. Other times, you might not have a beard, but your name is steeled in syllabilic perfection. But when you have both, well, It's like winning the pick six. Better yet, it's like having the perfect pair of jeans that makes your ass look like a million bucks.
Let's take a closer look:
- Steven Spielberg - The Beard and the perfect name. 2:2
- Martin Scorsese - The name could have screwed him, but he's still riding on the success of his Early Beard. 2:3
- George Lucas - The Beard and 1:2 ratio for his name.
- James Cameron - The Beard and a 1:3. Not bad
- Brian DiPalma - The Beard and 2:3. I'd say he's still drawing power off of his Early Beard.
- Richard Donner - The name.
- Ridley Scott - The Beard of Destiny is still strong with this one. 2:1
- Brian Singer - No beard. Probably will never have a beard. But the name is flawless.
- My name: Philip Abatecola
- Ratio: 2:5 Not looking good.
But! I woke up with The Beard this morning and that changes everything. The "God's of H" have smiled upon me today.
So, as you can plainly see, it's not going to be my hard work, persistence or blind luck that will have me rolling around in silk sheets, burning hundred dollar bills for heat.
No, sir. It's my Beard of Destiny.